


Through the Seasons

by roguefaerie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble Sequence, M/M, Minor Canonical Character(s), Pre-Series Through Ending, Spoilers for Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Supernatural (TV) Cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:16:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28855701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: Sam and Dean's relationship has had ebbs and flows, but it's the one constant in their lives, throughout their entire journey. The focus is on them, as it began, and as it ended (or didn't).
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 6





	Through the Seasons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gaialux](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaialux/gifts).



_THEN_

“Please, Dean,” Sam says, and it’s a refrain Dean already knows, before Sam even says anything the first time. And he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t for a thousand reasons, and he doesn’t, until the very end when he knows everything Sam said he’d do is about to come true.

It feels amazing, _dirtybadwrong_ and incredibly right and he’s not sure what part of that is the reason Sam leaves anyway. Sam did always do what he set his mind to, and Dean tries not to think that they could have had what they needed the whole time, at least.

* * *

One

They’re in the car, exhausted and Sam’s worn thin with grief-dreams, and Dean knows it’s never been that Sam couldn’t love someone else, like Jess. But Sam reaches for him anyway and Dean is grateful, lets Sam pull him into the back of the Impala and they know all the ways that it will work, how their bodies fit together, and how they’ll move. And it’s the first time in so long that Dean’s felt anything either that when he comes it’s loud and messy and it’s _them_ , all the mixed up emotions and the release at last.

Two

The hunt for Dad is almost over, nothing left, no matter what secrets have been kept. Because Dad is about to leave them, and the grief tumbles all together with the ones that have come before.

Still, they have the memory of Sam on the floor with the ouija board, how there was really only one choice for either of them that day. 

And how after that, they hold onto each other all the tighter, until their hands ache and their bones hurt, and things would come after that were forever changed but never how much they needed each other.

Three

Sam can’t celebrate Christmas. He’s just bad at holidays, they don’t feel right, but this year every single one is like a stab through the heart, pain in his chest and everything about his life feels miserable. Then he does celebrate, but that night neither of them has energy to start anything, until they sleep long and hard and wake up in the middle of the night when each hears the other stir. They start slowly, then, but the end is rough and desperate and they each have bruises in the morning that they don’t remember giving to each other.

Four

Sam is ready to join his brother from the moment he realizes that he’s alone. Everything he does that summer feels final: The worst he’s ever felt, the most lost. He’s ready to lose himself to drink. Dean isn’t here to recognize him doing it one way or the other. And in the end, he does lose himself, in more ways than either of them would be able to count.

There’s nothing left to try to be.

He doesn’t even have to be Sam. Not anymore.

He couldn’t even if he tried.

Maybe that’s what settles things, in the end.

Five

Sam and Dean don’t know how to talk to each other that year, not about _them_. This apocalypse is too close, making them itch inside of their skins, and they’re too scared to do much of anything. They know that anyone who tries to get between them makes things worse, but the words just aren’t there, either.

They do not say sorry.

They don’t have the energy for the conversations they’d need to have.

But the hot need is still there, terrible and beautiful as it’s ever been. There are a few fumbling attempts, when they can breathe.

Six

Dean needs Sam back. He needs the thing wearing Sam’s skin--not to be gone exactly, because then how would he find Sam again? But he can’t process this, the uncanny valley Sam, the not-Sam Sam. Somehow every year on earth gets worse. Somehow he wishes he’d never come back. It was somehow easier, some things made more sense below, more sense than this. He’s never given up on Sam before, but he comes close now.

And then, when Sam is his again and in his arms, he doesn’t even deny there are tears and a painful thudding in his heart.

Seven

At least the two of them are human. There’s that much. If it makes them cling to each other even tighter, that’s the kind of thing they’re used to. Sometimes it feels like they’re the only two humans left fighting, because no matter who else hunts with them they’re the two Winchesters left, and that means everything.

It always has.

Maybe their family taught them the wrong lessons, or in the wrong order. 

In the end they’re all either one’s ever got.

They’re all alone in this, yet again, as usual, and it lends desperateness, holding on together at night.

Eight

Everything was pure and clean and real where Dean was, and maybe he couldn’t sense Sam and it made things different. But once he’s back he feels his heartstrings pulled like they always are, even when he hates how Sam says he never looked for Dean, either.

Sam was in love. That had to be true. And Dean couldn’t fault either of them.

He knows what being in love with Sam is like.

Sam is going to stay with him, but he doesn’t know if he feels better or not.

When it’s decided, they finally fuck, rough and messy; tearless.

Nine

Time passes again. Dean isn't sure if he should be touching Sam. He seems fragile, no matter what Sam says about how he feels. It feels like the longest time since they've given in. What would it be like after Sam's collapse?

Dean hates being right, hates how stubborn Sam is. Hates how everything gets between them. He's braced for a fight. He has to be.

He's wound so tight he's ready to explode, and he knows he can’t really have anything from Sam, not during his recovery. He’s desperate; he lies; going nowhere good whatsoever, but there’s no choice.

Ten

Dean bears the mark, and he doesn’t dare touch Sam with it. When he does need what a Winchester needs, it’s alone and harsh and fulfilling the destiny that comes with the Mark is more important. He doesn’t even let Sam mention it, and Sam knows just as well anyway. This time the apocalypse is them, right in the middle of who they are now.

When this is all over, there will be time for their other needs, the ones that are just as insatiable, just as consuming.

When things settle, they’ll be themselves: as twisted up, desperate as ever.

Eleven

Dean can’t even come close to understanding what’s going on with him and Amara. Sure, there are the things that make sense on the surface, but she’s an immortal being, and nothing less than that. He’s energized and exhausted by her. He won’t say he’s scared that he can’t do what he’s always done: help, fix, just _work_. His mind isn’t on Sam, not in the same way, and he can’t even explain why.

He wouldn’t want to hear the words come out of his mouth, so of course Sam wouldn’t either.

So he won’t tell the truth.

Twelve

They feel almost normal. Both of them do. They’re tied up with who their Mom is, what she wants, what needs to happen now, in a whole new way. Two adults dealing with tons of abandonment trauma they always think they left behind. Between them, at night, things are quiet. Their own rooms. Their own singular parent traps. There are half-hearted attempts, but the desperation isn’t there except when she’s gone..

Maybe that’s something they could get used to.

Dean’s heart still beats for Sam, but once again he can’t really tell what he needs, that he can actually get.

Thirteen

Suddenly they’re parents. And they won’t hide anything, not deliberately. They do their best with Jack, teaching him right from wrong, and that their love is far from wrong; it’s theirs. They've got enough experience with raising themselves to know how to do this, and Jack is too Jack to look down on them for all of the other things they are, the way they are each other’s. 

They quietly reintegrate how their life used to be. They’ll always be Winchesters, needing each other a desperate amount. They try not to have secrets, but Jack misses just as many truths.

Fourteen

All hope seems like it’s lost again by the time everything shakes out that year. Dean is swinging back and forth wildly on an emotional scale as his worst fears come true and Sam has his own grief. They barely have time to think about what their relationship is doing, but Sam still has to be ready for anything. And he plans to be. He knows how to be Dean’s brother, with everything that entails. He knows how to be family, when putting aside the smaller needs will work in the short term. He won’t judge Dean for any reason.

Fifteen

It’s the end of the world as they know it, yet neither of them can really feel surprised. They still know who their friends are, and where their loyalty lies: with each other. They still work like clockwork together, and there’s no fear in the bunker when they’re curled together at night. If this is their last chance, they’ll do it all together--and they do really mean all of it. If Chuck wants to be a peeping Tom into their lives they’ll give him something to see. They won’t shy away from who they are or how they love, ever.

Finale

The party in the sky is one it’s worth arriving late for. Everyone is there. Even Castiel and Jack know how to get inside to say hello, and Dean’s heart is almost bursting when that happens. But there’s one person he’ll always wait for, and he hasn’t had a single regret about that in a long time, if ever. 

They all love each other up there. That’s pretty much what there is left to do. And when Sam and Dean have each other again it doesn’t have to be desperate. They can be together in every way they’ve ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to keep the focus on the ship itself, while taking into account all the very bizarre canon events that are happening in each season in the background. :) This was not drawer fic but more like an idea I was noodling with in general. I hope you like this!


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